Written by Sara Masarik
The moms who are radiant with new life growing inside them…
The new mom with the stretchy wrap and nursing cape…
The pious mom with more than double my children…
In my hurt and weakness, I am often tempted to assume what they think of me. That I chose to stop after three children. That I chose contraception. That I chose to plan this family. That I chose this life – the easy life, the comfortable life, the affordable life.
Deep down I fear that they judge me and the strength of my faith. I know my fear is a coping mechanism – the imperfect way I try to compensate for my grief and emptiness. Some days, I wish I had a shirt that could declare the truth: “I did not choose this!” But no t-shirt, no justification, no acceptance will ease the ache in my heart for the three babies I lost and or the strange emptiness of my arms that comes with knowing that I will not cradle another one.
I didn’t choose this. I wanted more. I am open to life.
I didn’t choose this grief nor the emptiness nor the shame. The shame of jealousy. The shame of bitterness. The shame of not appreciating enough that the three I have are more than many couples will ever have. How selfish of me not to appreciate them enough to bury my grief.
I did not choose this… But He did.
In the hurt, in the envy and in the shame, I hear Him call out to me. He chose me. He chose me to love and mourn three babies who never drew breath. He chose me to love and cherish three who did. He chose me for this suffering because He is in charge and He loves me enough to carry me through this. He chose this and He will choose to make this beautiful, good and holy.
He chose me. And I choose to accept His will and His mercy.
Mourning a miscarriage? Struggling with infertility? Know someone who is? Check out these hope-filled books and journals to soothe the weary soul and walk the path back to God’s Comforting embrace:
Sara Masarik is the homeschooling mom of 3 young children. Sara and her husband have ministered in Catholic education for 15 years. Having met at Roncalli Catholic High School in Manitowoc, WI they enjoyed shared ministry with teens for the first 4 years of their marriage before they were blessed with their first child. When God called Greg to Notre Dame de la Baie Academy, the family moved to Green Bay, WI and Sara became a full time stay at home mom. Their family has grown over the last six years to include 2 more gorgeous children and 3 in heaven. The Masarik’s are members of St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church and feel so blessed to be able to be a homeschooling family inside of this beautiful faith community.